This is the last day of 2017. There are so much going on in this year, good and bad. I finally have cats, 2 cats, my macbook’s battery swollen, came back to linux, busy with my skripsi (undergraduate thesis) and internship, build my first deep learning framework and many more. Also one of those good things is #MeToo campaign after Harvey Weinstein accused of raped by more than 50 women, many sexual assault and rape victims are finally speak up about their experience. Many people I followed and on twitter used “#MeToo” in their tweet, some told their story. Men and women, straight and gay, young and old break their long silence, some have been silent for decades. #MeToo also named 2017 Person of the Year by Time magazine. Though those silence breakers are mostly women, some #MenToo. So before 2017 ends, I want to talk about my own experience of sexual assault.

This happened in high school 6 years ago and I lived in a school dormitory. His name is Imam, senior by 2 years, I met him because he was a roommate of my friend. He talks a lot about Linux, that’s how we became friend. His friends called him “mbah” (grandpa), I guess because of his face looks older. Also, the way he talks is kinda weird and like psychopath.

One night Imam came to room and said his room is locked and all of his roommates are already sleep. So I let him sleep in my bed. IIRC, I let him slept in my bed more than once. Next morning my roommate, Ma’il, told me someone he didn’t know put his hand inside my pant. I don’t believe him, he often bullied me so I thought he was joking.

A week or month later in the evening, I’m alone programming in my room, all my roommates are going to the mosque, he came to my room and we talked about anything. Then his hand touch my thigh and gently enters my pant while still talking and touch my private part. WTF is he doing? I don’t have a courage to stop him and tried to move, but he keeps following me. So I’m thinking a way to end the conversation and go away.

So Ma’il was right, after that I tried to stay away from him. My mistake is that I didn’t warn my friends about him. One night I came to my friend’s room, turns out he was there and know my friends. I ignore him while playing a game, as long as I’m not alone I am safe from him. My friend (S) is sleeping, suddenly he shouted and kicked him out of the room. S then told us what happened, I pretend that I don’t his behavior, and this story never came out of that room since then.

S is one of three friends I know were the victims of him, maybe there are more, maybe not. My friend told me that Imam sometimes enter my friends’ room if he saw someone is sleeping alone. I remember woke up in the evening while he holds my p and plays with it. Once I’m awake, he then starts to talk while his hand still in my pant and act like he did nothing wrong. I did the same like before, move nicely while still talking to him and find a reason to out of the room.

Even after Imam graduated, he sometimes came back to my room. But I always move to other room if his hand starts to touch my leg. I knew I am his main target probably because I never fight back and talk to my friends. Earlier this year if not last year, Imam added me on facebook and I blocked him.

I know he currently continues his study in Unair. You know what happens if I, S and other victims were silence about their assault/rape story? Someone like Imam walks free with a clean name. What happens if someone like Imam walks free? more victims probably. And What happens if victims talk about their experience? people are gonna victim-blaming or victim-shaming them. This is why many assault/rape victim won’t tell their story. We should not blame the victim about their clothes or behavior for causing the assault/rape.

So that is my #MeToo story. Don’t worry, I’m fine. It’s just small bad things compared to good things that happened while in high school.